Regulate Before Resolution
Understanding upstairs and downstairs brain in real life
The book The Whole-Brain Child (by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson) presents a beautiful look at the parts of the brain and how they connect and interact. The book is written about children, but the concepts apply to anyone with a brain. ◡̈
The concept is that all of us have two general domains in our brain: the upstairs and the downstairs. (Yes, there is some over-simplification here, on purpose.) The upstairs part of the brain is referring to our brain’s cortex. This is the thinking, regulating, and flexible part of our brain. This is also where we process logic and reasoning, and we make sense of the world around us.
The downstairs is also sometimes called our “lizard” or “reptilian brain,” and is responsible for the parts of the brain that include survival first. This includes the brainstem (controls automatic processes like breathing and balance) and the limbic system (connected to memory and emotion).
When things are running smoothly, and our nervous system is regulated, the upstairs brain is on-line. It is helping us make sense of our world, allows us to make logical conclusions, and well-thought-through decisions.
When our nervous system becomes dysregulated, we can feel very reactionary. Fear is a direct path into downstairs brain activation. This means that the part of our brain that is essential for survival is foremost. And this dysregulation can feel like we’re out of control of our own bodies. When the downstairs brain is in control, the upstairs brain is not running the show. In the book The Whole-Brain Child, the child is said to have “flipped their lid,” meaning that there upstairs brain is no longer on-line. Their ability to think, understand cause and effect, and stay flexible is no longer accessible.
For children, especially younger than school age, their ability to bring their upstairs brain back online - or regulate - is not fully in tact. They need help from someone else to help bring their brain back to the whole place where they can learn. When someone “flips their lid” they are reacting to their environment as though anyone and everything is out to get them. If you are in a regulated state and you observe someone who is not regulated, it is easy to see the cause and effect, the problem and solution that might help that person get back to the upstairs brain on line. But even for adults, it can take some time, the right setting, or maybe a buddy to help co-regulate.
Seeing a kiddo in a tantrum can sometimes be seen as “that kid is poorly behaved.” Or, “they don’t know how to listen to their parents.” And that might be true. But, if we allow a child’s tantrum (aka their dysregulation) to dysregulate the adult in the scenario, we just have a screaming match on our hands. If, instead we are able to stay regulated, and meet that child with gentleness and connection, they are often able to regulate as well.
Sometimes, we make the mistake of trying to communicate, problem solve, “fix” the issue while the other person is still dysregulated. This is rarely helpful. Almost always, a better tactic is to help the other person get back to a regulated state, and then communicate and use logic to get to the next step.
We do this with fellow adults too. Have you ever had a friend, family member, or companion that is spiraling, maybe even having a panic attack. If you try to tell them “it’s fine. You’re fine. Everything’s fine” with any sternness in your voice. You’re likely to shut them down even further. But, if you can get on their level, speak in a slow calm voice, give a hug or a hand on the back - often this can bring their nervous system closer to regulation. It can literally slow their heart rate and breathing. Because their nervous system senses safety. It allows the upstairs brain to take over again.
Similarly, if you jump into problem solving mode when the dysregulated person is still fully in their feelings, they can feel as though the emotions are unimportant - or that they are not important either. This is the age old conversation, especially among couples. One person is regulated and ready to fix. And the other is asking for comfort, validation, and affirmation of how they feel.
This shows up everywhere. In how we feel in our bodies. In how we respond to stress. In how we show up in our relationships. And it’s something I see all the time in practice. People come in wanting to fix the problem - the pain, the tension, the thing that isn’t working the way it should. And that makes sense.
But often, the first step isn’t fixing. It’s helping the nervous system settle. Because when the system feels safer, the body can shift. The brain can come back online. And things that felt stuck or overwhelming start to feel more workable.
This is the lens I come back to again and again:
regulate before resolution.
Not because the problem doesn’t matter - but because the body needs the right state in order to actually address it.
If you’re noticing patterns like this in your own body, this is exactly the kind of work we can explore together.